ACT I
Scene 1
EXT.STREET CORNER.EVENING/NIGHT
A shallow stage is lit with a single candled lamp
post, it casts flickering shadows all over the stage. The walls of the
set appear to be made of industrial red, dirty brink. The two set walls
concave behind a lone man in center stage, the street is dirty with
loose hay, straw and other such waste. The narrator seems as if he is
about to talk but stops to take of his top hat first. His posture is
good but talks with no discernible accent, slightly upper class. He is
dressed with class but still scruffy, he wears a dark blue/black waist
coat, black trousers, and a patched up coat.
The narrator is a show boat, his is flamboyant, and
charming.Much like a traveling salesman. As he talks, he walks
confidently around the stage and lamp post, while doing so using
theatrical hand and arm gestures.
Narrator
Good evening to you all, to ladies to gents. to
London i take you, a city of greats. Of kings and of queens and of
peasants and the scum. Where the rich think they're smart, but really
they're dumb. A town full of smoke full of beggars full of thieves. A
town with no green grass, no wild life, no trees. two con men i will
show you both good men at heart, a tale of two brothers that get torn
apart.
(As he talks the noise of a bell is heard ringing and leaves an echo )
Oh whats that I'm hearing,we must be ready at last,but now i must leave you the shows about to start.
after he is finished speaking, he smiles, bows and
holds it. As he bows the extras for the market scene walk past him from
all angles swallowing him up in the crowd allowing him to exit almost
unnoticed.. the two angled brick walls are pulled away to reveal an old
English market.
scene 2
EXT.OLD ENGLISH MARKET.DAYTIME
(FREEZE FRAME) Two men in disguise are pulling a con
one is raised on a wagon in the middle of a crowd, almost as high as
the crowds heads. They are all dressed in 1890s attire apart from the
one man on the wagon who is dressed in street clothing with a bowler
hat the other is hidden amongst the crowd.they're wagon is full of
much-colored bottles of all shapes and sizes . A sign on their wagon
reads "Abe'n'sons". They are pulling a "pigeon drop" confidence trick
which involves selling the "mark" an item of large value when really
its worth nothing. The noises that can be heard on stage are crowds,
horses, chickens, children, vendors, gambling, whistles and wagons
creating a cacophony of noise. The narrator, now part of the on stage
crowd, begins to talk and move casually round the stage. the back drop
of the market is a large church door with heavy looking double wooden
doors. two men stand deeply stage left, they are "under cover police"
No performers around them, low spotlight barely illuminating them,
their faces are obscured by their clothing. Reuben is smart, patient,
calm. with a think Russian accent. Jim is head strong, cocky and
handsome. Both are very laid back.
Narrator
These two men before us, standing up on stage, are
the two Bones brothers,great con men of their age. They have traveled
all London from south side to west. No one could dare challenge them
they're just simply the best.
With that he jumps up to the two men in disguise
NARRATOR
While Reuben is the brains here, young Jim provides
the face. pulling tricks so devilish and daring, but doing so with
grace.To Take from the rich and give to the poor,as robin did in old
English folk law. But our two boys have a better idea, they give to
themselves! a con mans career! your wallet and your hat maybe even your
dog! they'd even steal from a church if there was something they could
flog.
a clock is heard ticking, and the narrator holds a broken pocket watch up to his ear.
NARRATOR
But again i have lost track of time and talked for far to long. the stage is set I'm in the way, the show must still go on.
the freeze frame end and the characters on stage all
begin to jostle about and talk to each other as the younger man begins
to shout.
Young man
Role up! role up! step right up and don't miss out on
the medicinally, miraculous, fantabulous Abe'N'Son's revitalizing
re-energizing lotion! Put some pep in your step its a thing you wont
forget. its mesmerizing, awe inspiring, fate deciding lotion! one pound
a bottle and and two more for a pack.
one man steps up from the crowd raising his hands to his mouth to shout.
OLDER CONMAN
And why should we believe you eh! wheres the proof i
say! my old man always said don't believe nothing till you've seen it
with your own peepers!
YOUNG MAN
well sir! i invite you to test the wonders of our revitalizing lotion. C'mon up, don't be shy, make way make way
the crowd member makes his way through crowd, and climbs up on the wagon standing stage right of the young man.
YOUNG MAN
now sir, do you have any illness, affliction or ailments in, on or around your mind, body or soul?
OLDER CONMAN
Not that i can see that it matters, but as a matter of fact i do!
he turns and lifts up his shirt to reveal a hideous boil on his upper right hand hip.
OLDER CONMAN
had this boil since i was a lad, calls 'I'm ol'squealer on account o' the way he scared the ladies when i was a young lad.
As the volunteer crowd member is talking the young man picks up a normal looking bottle filled with a sparkling liquid.
YOUNG MAN
well sir, after just one sip of our wonder tonic, you'll be rid of ol squealer quicker than a Frenchman in a fight.
the crowd member still looking suspicious takes the
bottle from the young man, he takes out the stopper and looks to the
young man looking scared.
go on sir, there's nothing to be afraid of other than a more excellent version of yourself!
finally with some reluctance the crowd member takes a
sip of the strange looking liquid. The young man looks on in
anticipation and begins to talk. The two undercover policemen move
closer to the action.
can you feel it surge through your veins sir! making
your old parts feel young and the young parts even younger! ill make a
believer out of you all yet! sir would you kindly lift up your top and
reveal your most grotesque hip feature.
the man lifts up his top to reveal his boil, but nothing is too be seen, the crowd gasp in synchronization.
OLDER CONMAN
corr blimey that's ruddy remarkable, what devilry is this!
YOUNG MAN
no devilry here sir! just Abe'N'Son's magically
magnificent, undoubtedly legitimate, results without incident,
revitalizing, re-energizing even slightly moisturizing lotion. Get your
bottle while it lasts so you don't regret the past! one pound for a
bottle one more for a pack
scene 3
the crowd member stands on stage amazed and looks
down in disbelief, as the young man talks he builds the crowd up into a
frenzy. when he asks who's buying the whole crowd goes crazy and starts
pulling out money nearly throwing it at the stage. the young man takes
a bow and starts taking money from the people in the crowd. the two
undercover police dressed in tweed trench coats move closer to the
action still. When they reach the middle of the crowd they throw off
their coats to revel dark blue police uniforms.
Young Jim
whatcha!Hands in the air! This is the police!
the two men on the wagon look as if they are about to run. shifty faces full of worry.
don't you even dare think bout moving boys! we got this place locked down tighter than a porcupines arse hole!
the crowd member/ volunteer try to to run of stage
left, but only gets two steps before he is caught by Reuben in a
backwards head lock and dragged back to center stage. as he is caught
his legs fly up in the air in a comical fashion. The two policemen go
on to tie them up and then place them facing forward, lying belly down
toward the audience. the rest of the crowd is shewed of stage by jimmy.
YOUNG JIM
move along folks, move along, nothing to see here. move it along. You don't have to go home but you cant stay here!
once the crowd has gone, jims police talk turns into
YOUNG JIM
blah blah blah blah blah!
taking of his police hat.
Reuben
well boys what do we have here?
Reuben proceeds to rifle through the boys wears and
search their pockets. after a short while Reuben discovers the money
that they have just stolen. as he does so he steals all of the con mens
valuables slyly. young jim is seen tasting some of the Abe brothers
wonder tonic.
REUBEN
looks to me like these to boys have been pulling the old pigeon drop scam on the good folks of London.
Reuben kneels beside the con man on stage right.
YOUNG JIM
with out a shadow of a doubt constable, nothin but water and mint! shameless
young Jim throws the bottle to Reuben, he takes a sip
and shakes his head and casually slaps him on the head as if in
disappointment.
YOUNG MAN
But cant you feel it running through your veins sir, your a veritable super man!
Reuben slaps him again
REUBEN
give it up son! you aint fooling any one.You may as well have pissed in a bottle.
YOUNG MAN
jokes on you old man, we DID piss in the bottle!
the two men on the floor begin to laugh, Reuben takes
another sip and swills it round his mouth looking confused, then makes
a large swallowing noise.shrugs.the brothers share looks, and swiftly
kick each man. Reuben then moves toward the back stage.
young Jim
it seems to me,constable, that we have finally apprehended the notorious "Bones Brothers"!
older conman
nah you got it all wrong, we aint them! and they're DEFINITELY not us!
young Jim paces up and down before the two tied up con men.
young Jim
ah, well, you see. you fit the description your doing what they do, and you lie for a living.
he pauses for a second. and looks up and to the audience smiling in a cheeky way.
young Jim
I think we'll let the courts decide.
three policemen walk on from stage right. wearing
typical "bobby" police gear. Reuben can be seen disappearing slipping
away through a trap door.
Commissioner
Ello' Ello' Ello', whats going on ere then?
YOUNG JIM
Commissioner! your here! your late!, but your here!
turning to the two tied up men, young Jim crouches between
YOUNG JIM
(whispers)
you boys are in reeeal trouble now.
YOUNG MAN
excuse me! would someone mind telling us what the bloody hell is going on!
COMMISSIONER
quiet you
he kicks the man on the floor as he talks
COMMISSIONER
whats that you've got for me there Jim? looks to me like we've finally captured the "Bones Brothers" we so desperately seek.
YOUNG Jim
Yessir! caught these two bleeding some poor folks dry with this
he presents the commissioner with the bottle.the commissioner inspects the bottle.
COMMISNOR
its not poison is it?
young jim
no sir, just "wonder tonic"
COMMISNOR
well it never hurts to try, one of these damn fools might get it right one days.
YOUNG JIM
are you sure about that commish?
COMMISNOR
i should hope so, then my daughter might spend her money on somthing that actually works for once!
drinks from the bottle,jim can be seen laughing.
young jim
well, he's pissed in that, and you've just drank it.
Thats the real crime here. nevertheless as always commissioner, its
been a real pleasure doing your work for you. Unpaid and unappreciated.
the commissioner spits out the liquid in a spray.
young Jim begins to nonchalantly walk off stage. the
commissioner can be seen spluttering. getting his breath back the
commissioner says.
COMMISSIONER
not so fast Jimmy, we're bringing you in this time. you and your brother!
YOUNG JIM
alright then!
jimmy stops and turns holds out his hands and walks back over to the real police.
YOUNG JIM
you win, you'll catch me some day might as well be now!
he shrugs and and thrusts forward his hands
YOUNG JIM
i see sense, i see light! Ive been wrong all this time, and you've been so right.
the commissioner, looking suitably cautious steps toward Jim.
commissioner
alright, no funny business now jimmy, we don't want anyone getting hurt now.
YOUNG JIM
yea yea alright, but before you arrest me i have one
more thing to say. I'm the best commissioner, and i just keep getting
better.
with that young Jim delivers a sharp kick into the commissioners crotch. and then quickly runs of stage right
YOUNG JIM
you mean, "you" getting hurt!
the commissioner is downed by a fleeing jimmy, the
two onstage police run off stage right to chase him. the commissioner
gets back on his feet looks angry and gives chase.
the two poor con men who have been conned lie on the floor looking annoyed and defeated.
YOUNG MAN
you promised this would stop happening.
OLDER CONMAN
Not now!
they attempt to shuffle of stage right.
YOUNG MAN
you did promise.
scene 4
the stage goes black after Jim has final evaded the
police. when the lights turn back up we see an optical illusion of a
long back ally lit with moonlight, this is the brothers den, much like
that of Alladin's den depicted in "Alladin" . Reuben is already there
and casually sitting a top of 2 crates. young Jim come in after out of
breath. a homeless man sits in the corner(he is the narrator). there is
a small table with a rough looking chess set sat on top of it, they use
barrels for chairs.jimmy runs in from stage right, and is out of breath
he bends over double .
YOUNG JIM
and where exactly (he laughs) did you disappear to! you missed all the fun!
Reuben
I've been here, waiting
Reuben jumps down of the crates and sidles over to
the barrols and sits down on stage left, picks up a chess peice and
examines it.
young Jim
please don't do that voice, its scares me, t scared me when i was a kid...(he pauses) and it scares me now.
young Jim finally standing up straight
REUBEN
come on is not that bad, just a little deep
Young Jim
Rube, Its the voice kids hear in there nightmares. i still hear those cold whispers in my ear at night.
REUBEN
this is because i whisper things to you, in Russian, while you sleep...to freak you out!
Reuben pulls a creepy face, he is joking, young Jim
looks horrified and then at the audience then at Reuben then shrugs and
takes a seat opposite.
Reuben
is your move Jim
with that Reuben puts the piece back down in its
place. as each brother talks they examine the board and move one piece
per line.
YOUNG JIM
you should have stayed to see the commissioners face reub, i made him drink-
REUBEN
i know. I saw.
YOUNG JIM
you saw ?i didn't see you.
REUBEN
because i did not want anyone to see me.
young Jim
thats your problem reub, your too serious
REUBEN
perhaps, but i would say your reckless and overconfident
young Jim
i would call it brave mate, maybe even heroic.
Reuben
you never listen to me jim, all that i taught you, out of sight out of mind.
YOUNG JIM
leave off, i do listen to you! i remembered...to take all there stuff, see! Look!
young Jim pulls out heaps of cash from his pockets
REUBEN
that's not the point, you take nothing seriously.
What if you got caught, even worse killed! there's a warrant out for
our arrest, the commissioners is after our heads!
YOUNG JIM
the commissioner! HA he wouldn't know a con if it came up and kicked him in the arse!HA
Reuben
No? then so con him.
there is a pause as young Jim looks at Reuben. Reuben
is staring intently at the chess board. the characters stop moving
chess pieces, it is Reuben turn.
YOUNG JIM
great idea!, that can be our next job.
Reuben
not we, you.
Still looking at the chess board.
young Jim
what?
Reuben
i would like to see mister brave, and mister heroic do this by himself.
young Jim
your not serious?
REUBEN
i though i was always serious, can you not tell from my "nightmarish" voice.
young Jim stands up and begins to get mad, Reuben looks up from the chess set to Jim.
YOUNG JIM
you don't think i can do it do you? you don't! you
actually don't! you constantly underestimate me and I'm sick of it, ill
show you what I'm capable of.
Reuben (in a patronizing tone)
i hear a lot of talking, but i don't hear a lot of doooooing.
young Jim
you'll eat your words!...
Jim pauses trying to think of a comeback
YOUNG JIM
OLD MAN! mark my...words...
Reuben moves a chess piece across the board as Jim begins to storm of stage.
REUBEN
Hey Jim!
he calls to Jim across the stage, Jim turns back towards Reuben.
REUBEN
(pointing to the board)
Check mate.
Jim storms off stage.
act 2
SCENE 1
the narrator steps forward and two new walls slide in
from either side, they are both facing directly forward and meet in the
middle. it is an old english pub called "The Two Headed Ass" the
narrator begins to talk. there is a sprinkle of snow covering the
floor, it looks like winter.
NARRATOR
And it was over like that, quick as a flash, Reuben
was calm and young Jim became rash. the bet was on and Reuben was
waiting, Jim ran to the pub and began contemplating. Over a chips and a
pie, in the old English fashion, while nursing a beer with love and
compassion.
young Jim walks in from stage left to right and goes
in through the door, he acknowledges the narrator and the narrator tips
his hat. Jim goes through the door and the narrator follows, as the
narrator goes through there is a short black out. when the lights come
back up the tavern is in full view, there is dingy lighting.
The inside of the tavern contains two long wooden
tables on either side of the stage. one circular table is located
centre stage. A small bar runs along the back stage right, and there is
a back drop behind showing stairs on back stage left. Edward "eddie"
Falkes is sat on the middle table eating a large meal, drinking from
two cups, he has a jug on he table also, He has a cigar in an ash tray
to his left and a bib tucked in the front of his shirt. Eddie is an
ageing con man, he is loud, jolly and overly friendly. he is a
recovering alcoholic.
Jim walks in from back stage right, he then goes to
the bar and gets a drink. After flicking the bartender his silver
piece, He slinks up behind eddie and puts a hand on his back.
as the scene plays out the extras on stage buy and
drink there drinks. a fight breaks out occasinally and "wenches"
serving drinks
young jim
Evenin eddie, glad to see your here on time! earlier than me even! what has gotten into you.
eddie jumps up suprised, he knocks the table forward slightly as he shoots up.
EDDIE FALKES
Hells above jim, dont sneak up on me like that!
Eddie now seems slightly out of breath. he drops himself back onto the middle of the bench he was sitting on.
EDDIE FALKES
And its edward now if you dont mind , change of pace change of name you know!
YOUNG JIM
Edward? haha eddie, just becasue you won big on a
horse does not mean i am gonna start calling you edward. thats a kingly
name, and the only thing kingly about you is the size of bed. and how
is the sobriety going!
Eddie looks down at his belly and gives out a little giggle.
EDDIE FALKES
WHAT! fantastic! got a hobby! collect the news papers now quite exilarating.
an attrative girl walks past jimmy, jim turns and his eyes follow the girl
EDDIE FALKES
(under his breath )
But id kill you all for one bloody beer!
jim half hears what has been said and quickly turns back
YOUNG JIM
what?
EDDIE FALKES
what! sit down! drink your drink, if you dont i might
just have too hahahaha.....(sighs, then perks up jolly once more) i
assume from your message we will be talking business!
Jim looks at the bench that has been dominated by
eddie form, and decides to pull up a chair from the table on stage left
for himself and sits down at the side of the table.
YOUNG JIM
if its business were talking eddie, surley a drink will make agreeing upon terms all the more difficult?
eddie booms with laughter
EDDIE FALKEs
HAHAHAHA as always the comedian! no i believe as the
saying goes, an ale a day keeps the physician away, kills more than
they can save by most storys ive heard! one fellow up on-
YOUNG JIM
Kingstreet has a sister who's friend who almost died under the knife? or was it an axe, you dont half get carried away Eddie.
EDDIE FALKES
HAHAHAHA ahhh
he smashes his hand on the table as he chokes on his
meal, Jim looking more relaxed than worried waits for a few seconds
before slapping him hard on the back. eddie now looks a little more
calm. jim pulls out a deck of cards and starts to play with them.
EDDIE FALKES
ehem! quite! thank you old boy, probably a good idea if i err lay the old sword down, so to speak.
he rests his knife and fork on his plate and pushes
it away, through out the conversation his eyes dart to his food and
back to jims drink.
EDDIE FALKES
A shame about you and reuben! A Damn shame, never
seen the boston Bamboozle pulled of quite so flawlessly. Back in the
day it was a little more simple you know! i once-
YOUNG JIM
Business,eddie. Business...
eddie gets flustered and splutters.
EDDIE FALKES
meh, huh ohhhhhhh! this business used to be about the
people! The people Jim, the people the friends and the
drinking...especialy the drinking...
Eddies looking slightly up in the air as if hes remembering times past.
YOUNG JIM
The times are changing eddie! and ive got a job to
pull and you were the la- i mean first person on my list! its not that
any one wont work with me or anything like that * the commisinors the
target! and weve got a deadline, time is of the essence, edward.
eddie falkes
the commisoner eh?? bit of an ambitious target old boy, its been tried many a time, even your brother couldnt do it!
Young Jim
i was thinking about that, but there are other ways
to his wallet than through his pockets eddie. apparently his daugter is
loose with the family expenses, and i aims to take advantage of that
fact
he winks at eddie
EDDIE FALKES
too true, too true! that commisinors got it comming one way or another, who does he think he is?!
YOUNG JIM
exactly my point eddie, great minds eh?
EDDIE FALKES
great minds what?!
young jim looks confused. he squints.
young jim
think alike, eddie. Great minds think alike.
EDDIE FALKES
well if thats true..me and the pope have some things to talk about!
there is an akwarde pause, and jim continues.
YOUNG JIM
So, anyways, were gonna need to pull a practise con before, you know the big shebang. cos its been a while mate hasnt it?
EDDIE FALKES
baulderdash! once a con man, always a com man. i could con you right out of your clothes if i chose to!
the lights black out and are put back up shortly
after, the two men are seen playing cards, jimmy is in full clothes and
eddie is now nearly naked smoking a cigar. they seem to be playing the
final hand. eddie puts down his hand. people are gathered round the
table.
EDDIE FALKES
perhaps a practise con might be a good idea! you know warm up the old scamming muscles.
young jim
i think you might be right there eddie.
Jims smiles at Eddie.
Black out.
SCENE 2
the lights come back on.
The pub has been transformed into an upper class
cafe. The tables now have sheets over them. the bar man and waiters are
now in classy waiter costumes. Young jim is seen sat on the circular
table centre stage, he is eating a nice meal and enjoying a coffe. he
has an old looking fiddle next to him. A waiter walks up beside him.
jim is dressed as a traveling musician, he is Irish with a strong
accentand talks very fast, the type of class not normally seen in the
cafe. eddie is in disguise as a rich antiques merchant, monocle and the
works. The head waiter is in charge of the cafe he is forty years old,
snobby and rude.
head waiter
will that be all... sir.
young jim
(in an irish accent, talking quickly)
absolutly! didnt touch the sides, couldnt eat another bite thank ya boss!
head waiter
of course... and how will "sir" be settling his bill today.
young jim
easy now,youll get your money dont you worry!
he pats himself down then looks worryied then checks
his shoe, looks even more worryied and looks up and gives a cheeky
smile to the waiter.
YOUNG JIM
ahh, well you see, seems ive forgoten me wallet, forget me head it wasnt screwed on you see.
Jim stands up, the waiter is about to talk, or to call security. jim sees and inturupts.
YOUNG jim
wait! tell you what, this fiddle here is the only
thing i have to me name, its worth more to me than all the gold under
midases bed! can ye not take its as a form of celestrial!
head waiter
I believe you mean collateral, sir. and, no i dont think...
as he says this young jim places his hand on the waiters upper arms.
YOUNG JIM
Collateral! thats the word,
he begins to back away from the waiter heading to the
door on back stage right. after which we can see jim's face visable
through a window at the back of stage. he watches and reacts to eddies
first perfomance as a con man in years
YOUNG JIM
me oh my you waiter types are smarter than you look,
arnt ya? ,no offense there boss, ill be back in a jiffy dont you move
a muscle!
the young waiter left with no choice but to accept young jims offer, picks up the fiddle and examins it.
he walks over to the bar along the back of the stage
and places the fiddle atop it. he mutters under his breath seeming
angry. at this point eddie saunters up to the bar.
EDDIE FALKES
(talking to the bar man)
excuse me my good man! can i perhaps trouble you for a cold glass of orange juice! thank you.
eddie notices the head waiter glance at him.
EDDIE FALKES
On a break from the devils nectar you see hahaha ive woken up in my bed dressed in a courset ! or so my wife has told me!
the waiter now thinking he is in the presance of
somone high class he then begins to act in a far more polite manner
than before.
head waiter
haha of course sir, women hey? , can i get anything else for you?
By now eddie has seen the fiddle, he trys to hide a smile but too late the waiter seems embarrassed and bursts out with.
head waiter
oh! i can assure you, this ... "insrument" is not mine sir.
EDDIE FALKES
(Staring at the fiddle)
oh really ? may i ask whos it is? i dabble in the antiques market you see.
HEAD WAITER
i believe it belongs to the vagrant who just left with out paying for his meal, probably not worth the clothes on his back.
EDDIE FALKES
I wouldnt be so sure my lad! may i take a closer look?
the bartender brings back eddies drink. the Head waiter is now interested in the fiddle gives it to eddie himself.
head waiter
of course sir, and here is your orange juice!
Eddie is scutinizing the fiddle in a most inexpert way allmost ignores him and replies.
EDDIE FALKES
just set it down there lad, theres a good chap!
he shakes, licks bites and hums into the fiddle.
after doing so he plays an unharmonic tune hammering the fiddle strings
with the bow.the head waiter looks on with disbelief. this goes on for
some time untill eddie shakes his head.
HEAD WAITER
i knew it! I knew it would be nothing more than a worthless trinket! ohhhh the cheek of...
EDDIE FALKES
(Shouts)
What ?!
he shocks the head waiter who jumps. eddie is taking to the waiter but pays him no attention.
EDDIE FALKES
quite the opposite my food serving friend! I'm
shaking my head becasue only in my wildest dreams, could a fiddle of
this rarity, crop up in a place as unlikly as this!
head waiter
(jaw drops but quickly corrected, he trys to hide his face.)
surley not! are you sure! i dont believe it!
eddie looks up now seeming quite angry.
head waiter
(Shaking his head)
Sir! sorry sir.
EDDIE FALKES
(now all smiles)
thats better lad! and no this is quite the piece! a fine example of an austrian...
eddie loses the con for a second. and we can see jims
face drop! he is seen to lose it for a second but is back at the window
quickly.
EDDIE FALKES
(coughs and wipes his brow)
a fine example of an austrian hunger fiddle! yes the rarest fiddle of any fiddle on the planet!Haha ehm...quite.
jim can be seen disparing at this last line!.there is
a pause between the waiter and eddie. The waiter looks as though he
about to cotten on.
head waiter
(Lieing)
of course! the hunger fiddle of hungery! fine deductions sir!
the head waiter isnt looking at eddie anymore just staring at the fiddle with greed.
EDDIE FALKES
does your vagrant fellow knows what he has hold of?
if he happens to come back which i dare say he will send him down to my
shop on bakers street, i would be very intrested in adding it to my
collection! and making him a very rich man in the process
eddie downs his orange juice and leaves some coins on the bar.
EDDIE FALKES
Anyhaps i must ajourn! the life of a tradesman you see, bearly an hour for afternoon tea, scandoulous!
The head waiter snaps out of his trance.
HEAD WAITER
yes... yes of course sir! have a great day
the waiter now has an evil smile on his face, just
after eddie has left jim flys back in wallet in hand. the head waiter
perks up and goes to sit jimmy down at his table, he pulls out Jims
chair for him as he sits.
young jim
eh? whats all this, dont i feel like your average Princess!
HEAD WAITER
ha ha ha, yes sir! just like a queen! so glad to see
your back! i thought for a moment you were going to leave me with just
your fiddle for a second, only for a second though sir.
Jim and the waiter are now both acting as if they are age old friends.
young jim
ahhhh i couldnt do that, me fiddles all i have. and all she has is me! trade the world for er make no mistake!
head waiter
you know sir, this fiddle. It seems abit old and
battered for a musician of your clear skill. have you ever thought of,
trading up sir?
young jim
never had the green in me back pocket! let alone my wallet! i can bearly pay the meal away-
head waiter
Not a problem! perhaps we can make some sort of deal then sir?
young jim
what kind of a deal! i dont have any laywers if its about that mess in the toilets..
HEAD WAITER
(conceals a grimace)
no no sir, i was thinking the meal could be payed for in a diffrent way. perhaps a trade for your fiddle could be arranged?
young jim
what dya want her for!? i though she was old and
battered! and anyways shes like family to me, i couldnt possibly sell
her. not for a free meal anyway.
head waiter
and if i was to offer say, 20 pounds would that
sweeten the deal sir? you can buy the fanciest fiddle in all of london
with that!
he pulls out some sheets of money Jim seems unipressed.
young jim
ah you drive a hard bargin there boss! this fiddles been in my family for generations! it belonged to me dead father ya see
jim is now counting dead relatives with one hand.
HEAD WAITER
30 pounds?
he pulls out another note
YOUNG JIM
and me dead granda
head waiter
40 pounds!
and another note
YOUNG JIM
and before that me great great grandma's dog! couldnt play it much from what ive heard, but it explains the bite marks
head waiter
50 pounds! finnal offer! thats all i have.
he pulls a wad of cash from his pokets, almost
begging jim to take it. young jim stands up looks the man in the eyes,
takes the money with one and shakes his hand with the other.
young jim
50 pounds will suit me fine, nuts to me grandmas dog! I'm a rich man now! thank ye sir thank ye!
jimmy skips out from the scene, leaving the waiter
with the worthless fiddle. the waiter is seen kissing the fiddle then
hugging it. apparently he hugs it to hard and the ply wood fiddle falls
apart in his arms and the waiter begins to sob.
Black out.
scene 3
the street corner that was seen in act 1 scene 1 is
set up on stage, only this time covered with snow. the narrator appears
to be sleeping lent up agaisnt the lampost. young jim and eddie walk on
from stage right talking as they go.
young jim
well eddie, ive got to say, that was pretty slick! i think were ready for tommorow! easy cheezy sleezy weezy
EDDIE FALKES
(chuckling)
slick doesnt even describe how good i was by half old boy! once a grifter always a grifter!
young jim
carefull "edward" its thinking like that'll get you called "eddie" again. God forbid!
EDDIE FALKES
nothing wrong with eddie lad! fine name nice ring to
it you see! in anycase, celebrations are in order! one congratulatory
beer then off to bed,drinks are on me!
YOUNG JIM
drinks? ed you know what your like mate. once you pop, i dont think ive ever seen you stop.
EDDIE FALKES
balderdash! I'm constantly cautious of my consumption
of anything that enters my temple of a body. one drink then off to bed
lad, wheres the harm in that?
YOUNG JIM
well, if you say so mate. and if you say your buying sounds like a plan to me.
jim and eddie exit stage left. the narrator snores
and is roused by the sounds of church bells. he jumps up and reaches
deep into his sleave and pulls out a pipe. sparks a match and lights it
up. then turns to the audience.
NARRATOR
so off young jim went, with eddie falkes in tow. down
to the pub for three drinks in a row. they left sometime later, looking
ready for bed. tommorows the day and theyd need a clear head. at high
noon tommorow was the time they had agreed. young jim woke up early and
set of to leave. the market square was the scene of the con, little did
jim know what eddie had done.
actors start to enter from either side of the stage
and engulf the narrator for a second time, exiting almost unocticed.
the walls are pulled back to reveal the market square again, minus the
wagon. A stall selling fabric has replaced it. the crowd all stand
around having converstaions. The chuches doors lie slightly ajar.
Noises of children, singin, animals and vendors ring through the set.
we see young jim standing centre stage in the cold rubbing his arms and
checking his pocket watch. he rants silently as a bell strikes one
oclock.
young jim
i knew he wasnt to be trusted! that damned old fool,
hes ruined me and reubens won! damn! damn his oiley hide! where in gods
names could he be!
there is a commotion off stage and police are heard, jim quickly covers his face.
police
make way! make way! Police business! comming through MAKE WAY!
two policemen walk through the crowd, narrowly
avioding jim. They march into the church and smashing noises are heard
along side the trade make out busrts of "what!" from eddie fawkes,
young jim can be seen to shake his head in anger,
EDDIE FALKES
(Drunk Slurring his words)
I Say i have never... i HAVE NEVER been treated in
such a disorderly fashion! I was in my house! MY OWN BLOODY HOUSE! when
these-
police
That was not your house Eddie! that was the church of
england! and let me tell you now that is NOT what a confesional is for!
You've scared many an alter boy today eddie, let's go!
EDDIE FALKES
YOU! YOU! YOU! ohhh you two understand me! just, one drink you see thats all, and! and for the record. I.. I You.
eddie falls flat on the floor. and appears to be
sleeping. The two police shake there heads, both taking a foot in hand
they drag him off stage.
police
Cmon eddie, lets get you home!
EDDIE FALKES
(almost asleep)
Thats...thats Edward to you...old boy, what?
jim cannot quite believe what he has just seen, he stands thinking for a second. then, twirls about and exits stage right.
BLACK OUT
Act 3
scene 1
we see the brothers ally way den, it is frosty but
still looks cosy. the narrator is sleeping in the corner. it is evening
the lighting is low. there are candles on the table alongside the chess
set. reuben is laid on the floor. using newpapers for a pillow. Jim
pokes his head in from the side, sees him sleeping and quitely walks
in. There are bottles strewn about the place, and a violin on the
table. the chess pieces are all over the board. he sneaks up to reuben,
and claps in his face. reuben is startled awake.
REUBEN
NO PAPA!
he sits bolt upright, grabbing a bottle from beside him. noticing jim quickly. he appears hung over, he rubs his head.
REUBEN
Jim! your here. Why are you here? Did you con the commissioner already? wait.. what day is it?
reuben rubs his temples
YOUNG JIM
never mind me! what happened to this place? looks like youve done nothing but drink since i left!
jim picks up a bottle and tosses it aside.
jim walks over to the table and lights the candles with a match.
reuben winces at the lights. grabs his hat a puts it over his face.
REUBEN
after last night. i dont remember much of anything! wheres eddie gone, i swear he was here.
jimmy
Eddie? was here?
REUBEN
yes?
JIMMY
with you?
REUBEN
yes!
YOUNG JIM
drinking?
REUBEN
hahah yes! for a man who has been three years sober he drinks like a fish!
young jim
i thought you didnt like eddie!
REUBEN
he turned up at the door with a big smile on his face
booze and one shoe. what was i supposed to do? in my defense he said
only one drink, after that i said we should stop, but he kept saying
"what" so i just kept drinking and drinking. It was a mess! Why the
sudden intrest in eddie.
reuben smiles but only so the audience can see.
young jim
you knew i was using eddie didnt you?
jim is smiling thinking hes worked it out. he sits down on the barrel on stage right next to the chess table.
REUBEN
he was un-reliable. reliability is of, paramount importance.
reuben is wagging his finger in the air. he joins jim at the table, they begin to set up the chess board.
REUBEN
Now it looks like your stuck, back on square one so to speak
there is a pause, young jim looks at reuben who is looking at the chess board. reuben looks up to meet jims gaze.
YOUNG JIM
i need some help reub.
REUBEN
then ask for it
YOUNG JIM
(mumbling)
will you help me con the commisnors daughter?
REUBEN
(now smiling widly)
what was that jim?
young jim
will you help me con the commisnors daugther?
reuben puts his hand to his ear
REUBEN
I'm not hearing the magic wooord.
young jim
will you help me con the commisoners daugther? Please.
REUBEN
OF course! and by the way, his daughter?
YOUNG JIM
ill explain over a drink.
REUBEN
arggg no more drink! explain over chess.
reuben gestures to the chess set.
BLACK OUT
scene 2
the back drop is of a fancy street in london. there
is a freeze frame on stage. the narrator is center stage, and ready to
talk. behind him the boys pull a con very reflective of the first
scene, Reuben is raised above the crowd, young Jim is hidden within the
crowd.
NARRATOR
The Great Bones Brothers,together again at last.The
bond that they share, has anyone else outclassed. The poor old bob
commissioner, of children he has just one. an over indulged princess!
who spends his money for fun. she sports a purse as big as her mouth,
but our two brothers have figured her out, make her jealous angry or
sad. shell dish out a pay day, the biggest they've ever had.
the freeze frame ends, and market noise begins.
Reuben begins to talk. the narrator plays a small part in this con, he
sits next to Reuben with a piece of parchment and a quill taking down
the investments and giving receipts to people.
REUBEN
Ladies and gentle men! boys, and girls. listen
closely! I have traveled far, through dangerous, barren landscapes to
bring you news,to offer you a once in a life time opportunity! London
is a great city, make no mistake. a city that is meant to be paved with
gold, i see no gold here today! do you?
the crowd mumer in agreement
But that can become a reality people! what i offer
you here today, is a once in a life time opportunity! to purchase land
in a new world, a better world, full of riches and opportunity's beyond
your wildest dreams! America! a land of the free! free of taxes! free
of evil land lords! Free of Kings and queens, a land of equal
opportunity's for me, you and everyone smart enough to take a piece
while there are still pieces left to be took!
the crowd are muttering in agreement and seem slightly excited.
REUBEN
for any price, you can be a part of something
bigger! something more exciting, something better than what you have
now! invest with us and you will see your one pound tripled with every
passing week! the more you give the more you get! simple as that! No?
you are still not convinced? before i heard of this wonderful scheme i
was down on my luck,and down with the bookys.
reuben winks, and some of the male crowd laugh.
but after investing just 4 dollars! two pounds to you english money is no longer an issue, as you can see
reuben pulls out an expensive looking pocket watch and shows the crowd.
REUBEN
Do i have any man here who is willing to take the plunge into riches?? to climb the ladder of sucsess? No?
there is a slight pause.
well then, i must be moving on, riches await other people it seems
reuben turns his back on them and a voice is heard from the back of the crowd.
YOUNG JIM
I say, wait there good sir!
the crowd turn to see young jim dressed in finery, they part in the middle to let him through.
young jim
i would surly be a fool to miss such an un missable
offer! once in a life time! more like two! i say, 50 pounds and i hope
to see 150 by next week
REUBEN
a smart man, of course sir. it could be 150 most likly more, there is no limit to what your money could become.
young jim
that sir!
jim wags his finger.
remains to be seen! just give me my recipt! so i can sleep easy knowing you havent just wondered off with my hard earned cash.
young jim walks up to the narrator and hands him
money, the narrator gives him back a recipt. they have fake bank stamps
on them. young jim holds it up to the light. and talks to reuben, and
reuben talks back to him directly, not to the audience.
young jim
i say! i didnt know the bank undertook such projects as this!
REUBEN
hahaha who else do you think would back such an abitious project? the banks are our partners, and our clients.
jim shakes both the narroators and reubens hands then
walks off stage but appears on the other side of the stage watching
intently. four or five crowd members come up and invest money, all
eager to get there investment in, after doing so they all walk away
with worthless recipts. one girl is sat on stage watching it all go on.
it is the commisnors daughter "Harriot Mcreedy" she is in her early
20's arrogant, good looking and short fused.
REUBEN
what about you? little girl?
harriot
excuse me? little girl?
reuben
i am very sorry, i ment no offence .i wonder perhaps
if your husband or father is around to invest. i would hate for them to
miss out.
HARRIOT
i am nither married, nor do i run messages of foolery to my father.
REUBEN
foolery? i am very sorry, i did not realize what i
had said was confusing. Foolery does not buy a man a suit like this, a
dress like yours maybe! but not this suit.
she gets up and walks over to reuben, squaring up with him.
HARRIOT
well i never! ill have you know i could buy and sell you in a second!
REUBEN
Yes, but with your fathers money ill bet.
HARRIOT
my money is my own! and knowone else's. My father may give it to me but it is still mine.
REUBEN
well, would you not like an opportunity to stand on
your own two feet? but i can understand if the world of investment
confueses you.
HARRIOT
confuse me! never i was about to come over and invest myself.
REUBEN
oh well thats very nice but we do not really need any more small time investors.
HARRIOT
well, how does one hundred pounds sound?
REUBEN
it sounds fantasic, but it would look even better in my hand.
harriot goes into her purse and pulls out a roll of notes.
HARRIOT
believe me now? yes that has changed your tune, mr new world.
harriot storms past reuben, goes straight to the
narrator , hands him the money signs the form and gets a recipt, reuben
watchs. after she has done this the narrator walks of stage and appears
next to jim with the cash.
HARRIOT
now when can i expect my return? i expect to see a rather large some of money for this genorous investment!
REUBEN
all in good time my dear, all in good time. but i must leave, i have many places to be and many people to see.
HARRIOT
(flirting)
hold on! arnt you going to stay and chat? i bet you have some wonderfull storys. like where are you from? and whats your name?
the commisoner walks in from stage left.
COMMISNOR
Reuben Bones my dear,one lousy half of the "great" bones Brothers.
reuben trys to run off stage right but is caught by
two policemen that walk on from stage right. he struggles to escape but
they hold him tight.
COMMISNOR
and where is that cocky brother of yours! i know he's
near, your never far from each other! weel have you on the gallows in
no time! cmon give him up!
REUBEN
RUN JIMMY RUN!!
the commisoner punches reuben square in the stomach
he bends over double, jimmy runs of stage mortified. and it blacks out.
A bell is heard ringing.
BLACK OUT
scene 4
back at the brothers allyway home, jim is alone on
stage. He looks bad, with a bottle in one hand and a pipe in the other,
he sautners about stage looking lost. The chess board is all over the
floor. Jim finnaly looks up and around, drops onto a barrel and begins
to hum a sad tune. the table in front on him is covered in the money he
has gained from the last con. jimmy is talking to himself on stage. as
he talks he swigs from the bottle.
YOUNG JIM
you warned me reub, you were right! you were right
all along.(then imitating reuben) I know i was jim.(back to his voice)
no need to be like that about it mate, it was for fun! i didnt mean for
that to happen.(imitating reuben) would have been a good plan if it was
though eh? (back to his voice) This is no time for jokes reub
(immiteting reuben) it is always time for jokes ( back to his voice)
what do you know, i mean we never even play chess any more!
reuben enters from stage right
REUBEN
well its hard to play chess with the pieces all over the floor.
YOUNG JIM
well I'm not cleaning them up! its.. not my problem!
REUBEN
well whos is it then jim? if I'm dead this is your house now.
YOUNG JIM
pfft whatdya you know ehhh? not enough to not get caught thats what!
REUBEN
but just enough to know how to escape, turn around jim.
jim turns around and turns back to the table and looks at the bottle in his hand.
YOUNG JIM
clearly! i have had too much to drink
he throws the bottle away it clangs in the corner.jim
stands up, still facing away from reuben. as he does this reuben walks
up behind him turns him round and slaps him square in the face.
REUBEN
you can never have had to much to drink!
young jim doesnt seem to feel any pain, he just stares at reuben for a second
YOUNG JIM
reub... reub? is that really you?
REUBEN
yes jim it is really me!
jims face lights up, reuben smiles and then jim
throws his arms around him almost knocking reuben over. the suddenly
pulling away seeming almost sober.
YOUNG JIM
hang on, just one god damn second! how did you... what! i... i. What did you do?!
reuben picks up the chess set and sits down at the table, he begins to set up the board.
REUBEN
lets just say, life is like a chess board and i know how to play it.
shows jimmmy the queen piece
REUBEN
plus, i always have a secret move hidden up my sleave.
YOUNG JIM
what?
EDDIE FALKES
(falling backwards onto the set with bottles in his hand)
WHAT!
black out.
Scene 5
the narrator is seen back at the first set, standing in the same place in the same clothes.
NARRATOR
ill bet your bamboozled, and possibly confused. well
don't you folks worry, ill explain Reuben's ruse. reubens concern was
jims growing head,and he was quite worried about ending up dead. He
paired jim with eddie, who was destined to fail. He taught jim a
lesseon by going to jail. jim thought he was dead but reub had made
plans. in a jail sell with eddie who gave him a hand. the fat drunk
fool was not who he seemed. a true con man at heart,who had us all
decived. while he was drunk, the police dropped there guards. Eddie
swallowed a key, which he didnt find hard. Waited for reuben to get
thrown in a cell,and snuck out at midnight to the sounds of a bell.
Were so glad to have had you, please come back again soon, for another
tall tale about young jim and reub.
THE END
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